I’m going to be really personal today (something I go back and forth with about how much of my heart I should share in such a public forum) but I feel led to today! Hoping and praying that my thoughts touch someones heart and encourages you so.
My heart is hurting so much today! I feel overwhelmed with life in so many ways. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and there is little space to breathe. The thing is, that most of this is brought on by me…by the pressures that I put on myself, by the expectations that I have to be just like so and so or better! I constantly fight this fight! I struggle with comparison in so many ways! I don’t find a lot of joy when someone says “did you see that photographers image…it looks like something you would do” being completely honest, that just infuriates me! I’ve been digging so deep lately to figure out why I can not just pave my own way, why I feel so tempted to be something that I’m not. Why the grass on someone else lawn always looks so much greener? These questions plague me!
I wish that I could just forge ahead and do what my Heavenly Father has fashioned for me…my road…my race. I wish that I could just put blinders on like a horse on a track and just run like hell for the goal that is MINE! But I don’t. I get caught up in all those beautiful feeds that I don’t hold a candle to. I read micro blogs that move people to tears. I see groups of women that seem to have these deep friendships in their creative industries and I just question, when is that for me?
Then sometimes I feel like who am I to question all that? I have a growing business that some would die for. I create beautiful art for my clients (that is is all GOD GIVEN) my path and steps have been so ordered by God and He’s blessed me so. Why can not I be so content in all that He has provided. Why does my heart yearn to be so much more, to have so much more purpose. My desire, my hearts desire is that what I’ve been given has a bigger impact than just some beautiful pictures. It’s more than a job for me. This weight just pushes me to the point of complete exhaustion. Its in that exhaustion that I give way to jealousy and comparison, where I find myself in a place of discontent, when I feel that I will never measure up, where bitterness sets in. Its then that I question “what am I doing and why?”
This morning, I woke up feeling so heavy hearted. I have felt in a number of ways, of relationships, in my business that I just have failed. Then my dear Lord, in the quietness of of my bedroom, laying in a puddle of blankets reminded me that I’m REDEEMED! I looked that up….the 2nd defintion listed was “to restore the worth of” I just cried! My savior died so that my worth would be restored! What freedom in that. That the God of the universe gave his precious son so that my worth (not the photographer or entrapenures that I stalk) would be restored! (yes He died for them too) but personally, my worth is all connected to Christ’s death! It has NOTHING to do with who I am as a business owner or as an artist.
My hearts prayer today is that we, that I, truly begin to understand and grasp this. That we stop striving to be the beautiful highlight reel of our favorite blogger. That we find true contentment in who God has created us to be and that we lived as the beautiful Redeemed people that we are!
Be encouraged my friend! We will get there!