This week has played with my mind a lot!  I’ve been battling the evils of comparison big time and it’s not good at all!  I struggle with

• I’m not as good as them
• Why did my client go to another photographer
• I wish my house looked like that
• Why can’t I seem to get things together like them

My guess is that if you have been on any type of social media, similar thoughts have gone through your mind too…if not, that you, my friend are not only blessed but very strong!

My heart is hurting so much today!  I feel overwhelmed with life in so many ways.  I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and there is little space to breathe.   The thing is, that most of this are brought on by me…by the pressures that I put on myself, by the expectations that I have to be just like so and so or better!  I constantly fight this fight!  I struggle with comparison in so many ways!   I don’t find a lot of joy when someone says “did you see that photographers’ image…it looks like something you would do”  being completely honest, that just infuriates me!   I’ve been digging so deep lately to figure out why I can not just pave my own way, why I feel so tempted to be something that I’m not.  Why the grass on someone else lawn always looks so much greener?  These questions plague me!

I wish that I could just forge ahead and do what my Heavenly Father has fashioned for me…my road…my race.  I wish that I could just put blinders on like a horse on a track and just run like hell for the goal that is MINE!  But I don’t.  I get caught up in all those beautiful feeds that I don’t hold a candle to.  I read microblogs that move people to tears.   I see groups of women that seem to have these deep friendships in their creative industries and I just question, when is that for me?

Then sometimes I feel like who am I to question all that?  I have a growing business that some would die for.  I create beautiful art for my clients (that is is all GOD-GIVEN) my path and steps have been so ordered by God and He’s blessed me so.  Why can not I be so content in all that He has provided?  Why does my heart yearn to be so much more, to have so much more purpose?  My desire, my heart’s desire is that what I’ve been given has a bigger impact than just some beautiful pictures.   It’s more than a job for me.  This weight just pushes me to the point of complete exhaustion.  Its in that exhaustion that I give way to jealousy and comparison, where I find myself in a place of discontent, when I feel that I will never measure up, where bitterness sets in.  It’s then that I question “what am I doing and why?”

This morning, I woke up feeling so heavy-hearted.  I have felt in a number of ways, of relationships, in my business that I just have failed.  Then my dear Lord, in the quietness of my bedroom, lying in a puddle of blankets reminded me that I’m REDEEMED!   I looked that up….the 2nd definition listed was “to restore the worth of”  I just cried!  My savior died so that my worth would be restored!  What freedom in that.  That the God of the universe gave his precious son so that my worth (not the photographer or entrepreneurs that I stalk) would be restored!  (yes He died for them too) but personally, my worth is all connected to Christ’s death!  It has NOTHING to do with who I am as a business owner or as an artist.

My heart’s prayer today is that we, that I, truly begin to understand and grasp this.  That we stop striving to be the beautiful highlight reel of our favorite blogger.  That we find true contentment in who God has created us to be and that we lived as the beautiful Redeemed people that we are!

Be encouraged, my friend!  We will get there!

On another note, I can not even believe that we are at the end of October…I mean, where has this year gone, and more so, how quick is October flying by!  At the studio, we are preparing for the man in the red suit to arrive in a few weeks and I’m working on finishing up fall sessions!
And the seniors just keep on coming and they are hitting it out of the park!

Meet beautiful Kendra…Oh My Word….heart of gold, smart as all get out, and eyes that just shine bright!  She had the most adorable outfits that just complimented her and her hair….oh those gorgeous curls!   Thanks to Adrianne at the Loft Styling Studio for the beautiful hair and makeup.  Kendra was a great sport, despite not loving to be behind the camera, you can never tell…she’s amazing!